Monday, April 29, 2013

The Story of A Boy Part 10: His Legacy Begins

The Story of A Boy Part 10: His Legacy Begins

The story of a boy….well, he was much more than that to me……
Part 10: His Legacy Begins

This is the 10th in the series. 

Before I begin; let me say that this post will most likely not be funny. And it might contain information that upsets you and not in the usual way with offensive language and politics…..but in a human, sad and guttural way. I may very well ramble at times and for all of these things: I am genuinely sorry. Please read Parts 1-9 before reading this. It will just make more sense that way.
After finally gathering my thoughts together and trying to begin processing the fact that our final IVF had worked and I was pregnant~~ I decided to wait until I got home to tell my husband the results.
One of our concerns going into IVF (what seemed like a lifetime ago) was the idea of's actually safe to say that it was a FEAR. Since we had embarked on this journey I met lots of women through these here interwebs for whom IVF had not only worked~ but they had multiples. One woman I met on a support site had 2 embryos put in and BOTH implanted and BOTH split. So she had 2 embryos transferred and she ended up with TWO sets of identical twins~ FOUR babies! This science stuff is crazy!
This last IVF for us was what is known as a frozen cycle (as compared to a fresh cycle) the embryo had been frozen over 2 years~ generally this means that even when the transferred embryo implants your initial test for the pregnancy hormone (beta HcG) is usually lower than that of a fresh cycle. So to have my level be 1040 (which was nearly DOUBLE what my level was when we did the fresh cycle) was a bit disconcerting for me...and I knew my husband (who has no medical background) would need explanations and I waited to tell him face to face.
Of course as soon as he arrived home~ he took one look at me and he KNEW it had worked! I burst into tears. We talked about what the lab results might mean...and he being the 'let's not get worked up until there is a reason to' kind of guy~ took the high # with a grain of salt.
Now I don't know how other women are~ but I am a worrier by nature....given the fact that we had such a gut wrenching journey to get HERE to this place of what I KNEW in my soul would be my last pregnancy ever~ I worried~ I worried A LOT.
There is ONE thing worse than the hormones and physical torture a woman endures during IVF~ only ONE THING: the godforsaken WAITING! All the prep~ every single step of conceiving a child through the miracles of science INVOLVES WAITING........and I **suck** at waiting.There is so much waiting and all the while I felt physically like absolute crap~ bloated, nauseated, crampy, exhausted and ZERO patience!

For the next two weeks I tried~ I mean I really, really tried NOT to worry. One thing about having such a high beta HcG ~~ that the nausea started immediately. So there I was working, taking care of our dear toddler son, vomiting and worrying. Oh and yeah it was also the week of Christmas. Suffice it to say~ given everything we had already been through~ *this* particular two week wait nearly flew by!

December 26, 2007~ D day. Any woman I have ever met who has experienced infertility and/or the loss of a child through miscarriage or still birth~ they  no WE all set these milestones for ourselves~ for most it is the point at which things went downhill with a prior pregnancy. We never really allow ourselves to hope that this time will be different until we pass that milestone~ even after we pass the milestone there is worry~ but we breath a little easier.

I came into this~ my 7th and final pregnancy with a steamer trunk FULL of milestones that needed to be passed before I would allow myself to think ~even for a moment~ that this whole thing would end with a healthy child. The first was the blood test: check ~ you're pregnant. The next is the ultrasound.

So here we are~ the day after Christmas~ into the darkened room we go. I feel as though MY heart may very well beat right out of my chest. Legs in the stirrups for what feels like the fucking millionth time~ internal ultrasounds are NOT for the shy or faint of heart. The sonographer knows us~ in the last two months she's seen my vagina FAR more than my Dear Husband has for fuck sake! Mary was her name and she was always very nice and comforting. She is small talking with my DH while she puts my info into the ultrasound machine~ I just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET'S SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MY FUCKED UP UTERUS, please.

Of course I did not *say* that...but God knows I wanted to.

December 26, 2007~ in the darkened room~ I held my breath~ Mary turned the screen toward us and there it was~ one tiny baby ~ resembling a bean more than a baby~ but there she was: ONE tiny baby~ heartbeat fluttering away~ everything measuring just as it should.

There is something life affirming in seeing your child's heartbeat for the first time.....

And then there were tears and such profound gratitude and tears and tears and tears.

Coming next: Why can't anything EVER be easy for me