Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Story of a Boy and his Sister Part 15~ Love, Hope and Faith

This is part 15 of The Story of a Boy and his Sister~ Love, Hope and Faith

If you've been with me a while you know that this is a difficult story to write and to read. If you are new to the story ~~ thank you for joining me on the journey.....the story means more and will make more sense if you read it from the beginning (parts 1-14).

Thank you for sharing the journey....thank you for sharing the hope.

high ho high ho it's off to the hospital I go....

4 April 2008

21 weeks 2 days

I was admitted~~ it WAS a long haul. I prayed. Gods I prayed. I didn't really know to whom I was praying even~ and it didn't matter~ I had hope. I clutched those petri dishes last thing I did at night~ and prayed for strength~ prayed for William to help me and his sister ~ for I knew we could not do it alone~ I placed them under my pillow in the hopes that even my dreams would be hopeful. I removed them every morning ~ and prayed some more. I called on every single one of the gods I had ever known~ I prayed to the universe really~ and the prayer was always the same "please let my daughter survive. please let her be healthy".

There were hard times~ life goes on even when you are on hospital bed rest and can only be out of bed to pee and to take a 5 minute YES FIVE MINUTE shower. Imma tell you I learned really quickly how to wash my hair and shave my legs in less than 5 minutes. And lord knows that'll probably be a useful skill someday.

Once a shift a nurse would come in and check for "fetal heart tones"........sometimes there would be moments of panic when it took the nurse a long time to find my daughter's heartbeat....but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It was there.

The weekly ultrasounds were really hard (and have I mentioned that I have 50 or so ultrasound pictures of this child?). The ultrasound tech was different every time~ so every time I had to tell the story again....and every time; I mean every single f'ing TIME;  the technician would look at me with pity and sadness and say "there is no measurable amniotic fluid"~ and I worried~ and I prayed~ and I really tried not to let doubt sneak in~  but some days it did. Some days there were nurses who thought it was 'useless' to check for her heartbeat once every 8 hours~ ~~once they tried to transfer me over to a SHARED room with a SHARED bathroom with a woman who was miscarrying.....HELLO INFECTION CONTROL HERE! But each time I felt that things were not being done in the best interest of my child and me~ I had the strength and the tenacity to question WHY? I was in that shared room less than 4 hours before I was transferred back to a private room.

And every single day the flower of hope grew larger.

And pretty soon I knew all of the nurses (and had my favorites). I read, I watched more TV than I ever had in my LIFE <<sidebar~ Facebook would have been really useful then~ but if it was available~ I sure as hell didn't know about it>>. There were days of constant visitors and there were days that I saw only the hospital staff. It was excruciatingly hard for me every time my dear husband would bring our nearly 2 1/2 year old son in. There were days when he was rambunctious and could not WAIT to leave the hospital~~~ and the were days that he would stomp his little toddler feet and absolutely REFUSE to leave. Let me tell you~ it broke my heart every time he was carried down the hall screaming in his toddler tantrum "NO, I STAY WITH MOMMY".

But each day brought more hope. Yes the neonatologists came in and warned of all of the possible horrific side effects. Yes there were 5 doctors in the practice that rotated seeing me once a day~ and some were more nurturing and some were very frank and harsh......but there I sign of labor, no sign of infection, NOT A SINGLE MEASURABLE DROP OF  amniotic fluid.

Wednesday 23 April 2008
24 weeks 0 days

VIABILITY DAY!!!!!!!!! We are officially TWENTY FOUR WEEKS ALONG! take THAT Dr. Fuckface! OOOHHHHHH MAN! This felt like a REALLY big day! 

But only for me~~ turns out that the doctor's and nurse's caring for us really did not change their attitude or prediction of the outcome. If ANYTHING they became more guarded. They all felt the need to WARN me.......just because you've made it this far doesn't mean she will live....she's had no amniotic fluid for nearly a month....she's been stuck in the same position for nearly a month~ contractures, brain bleeds, deafness, blindness, heart problems, lungs not mature....and on and on and on and on~ until my head would spin and I would quietly ask them to leave.

Because in my head I carried calm.
And in my heart I carried William.
And in my very soul I carried Hope.

24 weeks 0 days = betamethasone  shot to help with lung maturation.
24weeks 2 days = second shot of betamethasone......oh man we are on a roll here!

and then.....this particular ride was over.....

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