Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What NOT to say to a Woman

What NOT to say a Woman:

Ok~ most of my blogs are written to and for women… I’m going out on a limb here. Some things have….well let’s just say come to my attention…….and so today is for the fellas……now since most of you were dragged over her to read this by your wives and/or girlfriends……..thanks for joining us and bear with me….

SO here is today’s Top 10 List of What NOT to Say to a Woman:

10. You remind me of my ex.

Now this SHOULD go without saying~ but believe it or not THIS has been said to me in the last 6 months and NOT by a man I was romantically involved with or who I had ever even met in person. WTF? REALLY? Who in their right mind wants to be compared to someone’s EX???

9. What’s for Dinner?

If you come home and there is NOTHING cooking~ it is safe to assume that she has had a very bad day and will NOT be cooking any dinner.
If you come home and you cannot identify what is cooking it is safe to assume that she has most likely spent the day trying to come up with something NEW and now would NOT really be a good time to question it.
If she gets home and you are already THERE and you ask her this~ be lucky you are alive to read this at all.

8. Well that was <dramatic pause> interesting.

            We ALL know this means you found it
A.     Disturbing
B.     Insulting
C.     Offensive
D.     A sexual turn on
E.      All of the above
And whatever you DO: DO NOT follow up “well that was interesting” with “wanna try that?” TRUST me on this one~ she will NOT want to try it.

7.  Are you wearing that?
There is NO possible WAY to make THIS not sound like an INSULT. If you are underdressed politely say: “I just need to change”. If you are overdressed politely say: “I just need to change”. If you think this outfit does not look good on her politely shut the fuck up.

6. Do I have to go?

            If she invited you to go, got ready to go and is going herself~ then YES, yes you have to 
go. To ask her this only make the next 1-1.5 hours miserable for her because she will be worried that you are not having any fun. And ultimately it will piss her off~ she told you about this event three weeks ago, reminded you twice and more than likely picked out your damn clothes: YOU’RE GOING.

5. After she asks you a question like: with these skinny jeans should I wear the jeans  tucked IN to these boots, or left OUT? DO NOT launch into a dissertation about how most women do **not** look good in skinny jeans. We AGREE. We KNOW. We ALREADY HAVE THE FUCKING JEANS ON~ just let. it. go.

4. Are you drunk?

If you have to ASK then you do NOT want the answer. If she IS, she will be offended because you think she is somehow behaving inappropriately. If she is NOT, she will be offended because you think she only ‘brings this up’ or ‘wants to try this’ when she is drunk………just TRUST ME there is NO way to ask a woman if she is drunk. And there is NO way to tell a drunk woman to ‘just calm down’. It’s like trying to baptize cat and IT WILL NOT WORK.

3. I am dating a new girl and she is a lot like you.

Now~ this may SEEM like #10~ but is actually far, far worse. It says……..I have moved on and I have chosen someone **better** than you with some of your qualities. Again~ NO WAY to make this sound remotely good. And there may very well be a voodoo doll that looks A LOT like YOU in her drawer!

2. Do you have any <insert your needed laundry item here> clean somewhere?

If she had it~ the fucker would be in your drawer. If the laundry is NOT done~ she feels bad and **immediately** like she needs to do better. NO woman has a fucking secret stash of laundry CLEAN and FOLDED somewhere.

Now this is most often said in response to  “how do I look?” or “Do I look okay?” NEVER EVER answer THIS. Chances are: she spent 5X longer getting ready than you did. She changed clothes at least 3 times. She is feeling vulnerable. If you SAY this and it is NOT in response to a question~ well then you are lucky to be alive to read this at all. If you have the BALLS to say this without even looking at her~ well then good luck with your balls~ you have to sleep some time.