Monday, November 19, 2012

The Story of a Boy Part 2: The Joy

The Story of a Boy .......though he was much more to me than that.....

Part 2: The Joy
Please read Part 1. The Beginning before reading this.

 This is the second of the series

Before I begin; let me say that this post will most likely not be funny. And it might contain information that upsets you and not in the usual way with offensive language and politics…..but in a human, sad and guttural way. I may very well ramble at times and for all of these things: I am genuinely sorry. Again; please read Part 1. The Beginning before reading this….it will just make more sense that way.

 Part 2: the JOY!

A week later, still shaking off the memory of the terror of the previous Sunday and checking on DS 20 times a night and little or no sleep~ I went to get the blood test. I had little hope that the frozen IVF had worked as I did not “feel” pregnant. Low and behold it WORKED! I was pregnant!!! Not only pregnant but with excellent strong numbers that are indicative of a strong start to the pregnancy. And something about knowing I *was* pregnant made me "feel" pregnant and the morning sickness started on the way home from the lab.

Nail biting blood work once a week ( I REALLY SUCK AT WAITING) for the next 4 weeks and all was well. My pregnancy hormone levels continued their exponential climb and soon we were off to the first ultrasound.

Now DH will fully admit that (despite his near saint like patience) these first ultrasounds are absolutely BRUTAL to wait for! We know I am pregnant. But we don’t know the specifics. And when you do IVF and they place two “beautiful” embryos back into your body there is ALWAYS risk of multiples.

I remember one of our first meetings with the man who would help us bring children into the world (a god amongst men in my book)…he said to us (well me really) “our goal is not to get you pregnant”.

I was SHOCKED….and my face belied how I felt and the fact that I was thinking “then what in the fuck are we paying all this MONEY FOR”. He reached out and gently took my hand and he said words I will never forget: “Our goal is to help you to have a healthy, happy, living family”………and in that moment I KNEW he was right. All those years I spent praying and hoping and yearning more than anything in the world for two fucking lines on a pee stick….it was MORE than just the pregnant part… was the healthy, happy, living family part that was important. But I digress…..

So here we are waiting in the lobby of the local OB to have our first ultrasound. This one feels like it’s the make or break to us…..sure I had been vomiting morning, noon and night (why DO they call it morning sickness?)….sure I had slept like the dead any time I sat still for more than 3 minutes……but not until you see it on the screen do you let yourself hope that it’s really there.

It was quite comical (we would agree later) that the toilet in the Ultrasound room overflowed for the patient before us and we were kept waiting and fretting (and me swearing~ when I was awake) because when they offered to reschedule us rather than keep us waiting we both said, in unison and loudly: NO! SO we waited, and fretted, and snoozed off and on and swore quite a bit for three long hours.

And then there we were. In the darkened room. Waiting for what feels like another THREE hours. For the Sonographer to look at the screen with squinty eyes, take a few measurements, smile and turn the screen toward us.

And there it was….on the screen…..our child….one perfect little peanut: heart fluttering away. And I look at him and he looks at me and the hot tears flow unchecked from our eyes. Relief and pure joy. One perfectly sized, heart rate just where it should be~ child. As we had lost two pregnancies early in the first trimester before our IVF journey began~ we were not so foolish as to think that even THIS guaranteed us a child….but we also knew it was THE BEST possible scenario on the road toward that goal. And we did not allow doubt in the Ultrasound room that afternoon. We only basked in the sheer and miraculous amazement and perfectness of the moment.

We picked up our DS from the sitter and together we celebrated, the three and a third of us, with lunch and a blissfully sweet, afternoon family nap.

Between work, DS and exhaustion (I swear I went to sleep at 8 every single night) the first trimester passed in a 3 month whirlwind sort of a blur…..although at the time I am certain I was impatient with how slow time between appointments seemed to go.

All tests and sonograms (and there were LOTS) looked perfect, I was officially discharged from the Cleveland Clinic to follow with a regular OB here in town for what was determined at that point to be a regular, healthy pregnancy. During this time DS and DH came to many ultrasound appointments with me….the three of us glued to the small TV like screen~ marveling at the beautiful gift of life growing within me.

Winter turned to spring, I began to show… and to feel the baby move ......the word was out now that we were having another baby. Friends, coworkers and family (many knowing our difficult journey to get here) poured heaps of love and congratulations on us. As is usually the case I met women who were due at almost exactly the same time as me….and we joked that that blizzard on Valentine’s day resulted in lots of newly pregnant ladies.

My heart had never been so full or so happy. In all of my life I had never had such pure unadulterated JOY just in the living and the being that was my life. I genuinely did not see how life could be any better.

And sadly; the joy was all too fleeting and the pain and anguish of the coming months …well nothing could have prepared me for it….so we will leave Part 2 with the Joy.

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