Saturday, November 17, 2012

Twinkies, Conspiracy Theories, Mary Jane and the Mayans

Ok, OK…so conspiracy theories have been around since the dawn of man, of this I am certain.

Cave man to cave woman “there is NO way you slew that dragon alone. WHO WAS HERE wench???”

I can just picture at the empty tomb:
“now you know that must have been a MAGIC rock!”
 “oh, they had to have put someone in there with him to move such a heavy rock”

and later in Rome:
“I know Brutus was in cahoots with someone, he’s just not smart enough to pull this off’
Brutus “I’m just a patsy”

See, you can picture it too can’t ya?

So this year, we are supposed to be waiting and watching for the end of the world (fucking Mayans just ran out of rock)…..and this year has brought out the conspiracy theorists in DROVES.

The latest is perhaps the strongest in the arguments for theories around America: the Twinkie factory is shutting it’s doors! GASP!!

While this in and of itself could easily be explained away by corporate greed, labor unions and shareholders= more important than regular folks……I offer the following to cement the conspiracy theory making it’s way around our great nation:

#1. Marijuana has now been legalized in 18 states across America (no I’m not going to site sources; it’s a fucking BLOG not a research paper)

#2. Nine states now recognize same sex marriage (again with the sighting of resources FFS). For years haven’t some folks (read: bigoted fucking idiots) referred to gay men as “twinkies”?

#4. Barrack Obama was recently reelected as POTUS. And let’s face it folks it MUST be his fault the damn twinkie factory closed! To quote my good friend MC (no not Hammer) “ Obama hates Twinkies! Everyone secede because they took our twinkles! :-):-) Petulant children.

So how does this all string together to make ONE GIANT conspiracy???? Be fucking patient: I am getting to that…

#1. The very foods that would survive better than roaches in an apocalypse cease production less than a MONTH before the “end of the world according to the Mayans” thus causing normal folks (read: ones that long AGO gave up eating over processed shit that is so bad for you that you haven’t eaten it since you could read a nutrition label) to RUN (well take their cars anyway) to ALL local groceries to clear them out of twinkies, ho-ho’s ding dongs and snack cakes! In some places causing fights and stores to restrict how many ho-ho’s you can buy at one time!

#2 Marijuana is legalized mere WEEKS before the twinkie factory STOPS production on the twinkies. Now people who are smoking said Marijuana could give a FUCK less about twinkies…..they’re all like “hey man, it’s cool. I’ll just find something else to eat”. Don’t ask me how I know (it’s a BLOG not a research paper FFS). But because normal folks (see above for description) THINK that high people will be hoarding twinkies et al en masse: it gives them yet ANOTHER fucked up reason to hate the legalization of Marijuana and to riot in order to keep the “hippies” from stealing their twinkies!

#4 Since the sitting POTUS is clearly the root of all that is evil and wrong in America (did you know that some people are flying their flags UPSIDE DOWN? And threatening to Secede from the UsofA???)….it clearly MUST be HIS fault that gay marriage is ok, marijuana is legal in some states and WORST OF ALL: the twinkie factory is closed!

Now here’s what The Wisdom of the Ginger has to say about this:

1.The fucking Mayans ran out of rock; and in some alternate universe are really having a good laugh at our expense.

2.The fucking Twinkie factory has been in trouble for a LONG, LONG time~ and has only been limping along. No doubt they have already sold their no longer a secret recipes for your beloved snack cakes to someone else who will make them, repackage them and sell them at a grocer near you in the very near future. God forbid we should actually bake something ourselves to wolf down when no one is watching or pack in our kids lunches.

4.If you are fucking STUPID enough to believe that ONE MAN has the power to ruin our great nation: then go ahead and secede, we’d be better off without you. This nation is founded on much stronger stuff than this folks. Over 200 years of it. If ONE MAN has the power to set that all asunder: may whatever god you believe in help us all.

There is no #3 in any of my arguments…go ahead look, I’ll wait.

Ok feel better now? Like I’m going to lie to you? For fucks sake.

So get off your asses, go stock up on your twinkies, secede if you want to (just STOP SAYING IT AND FUCKING GO ALREADY)…..the apocalypse is coming; you wouldn’t want to be left behind.


1 comment:

  1. You crack me up girl! You couldn't have said it better. I adore your bluntness and attitude. I love ya girlie!!!